The dishes are done and I baked some stuff for Sunday. Daisy came over and helped me. She put wires on the backs of my paintings so I can hang them. Using the t-square and the drill to get the eye screws situated. What a help so I could start putting paintings up. Daisy has a different take on things than I, like most people have different takes on things. It is nice to have a second pair of eyes and do things not the way I would do it sometimes.
I wasnt going to say anything but I did. Sometimes I think I wont say anything and come here maybe and say it instead. But I did. "You know the thing that is hard to take, that makes me sad is that if this were your show, or your daughters, Dad would be here." I know it sounds bitter but it is sadly true. At first in classic Daisy style she tried to defend him, "Well did you invite him?"
"Yes, I invited everyone" True I didnt send him a private note. I already know he wont come, why torture myself.
"You are right" she said.
I was flabbergasted, ususally it is all deflected to turn it around to make me the bad guy, to deny it, to deny me.
"Thank you." it felt so bad to say thank you for that. "No, not thank you, it is sad."
"Yes it is".
I thought about it some more and that swampy pain rocked against my ankles, making me feel like I am being swallowed up in hopelessness. A part of me runs in to say stuff like, "F@ck it, I dont need anything from him if he is not going to give me what I wish he would." I run around within and think of all the blessings I have, all the extra-sensitivity to things that is a gift. How I understand the underdog and will be kind to him almost everytime. That is a gift. But of course it is my way of deflecting it, of denying it.
I thought of Christmas and how I didnt feel like giving him anything. I could say, "I got you exactly what you want from me--nothing".
I try and I always try. I try and forgive, show love and blah blah blah but it is the same crap all the time pretty much, he is a dick to me. He is not only a dick though, I know he loves me and I love him but he doesnt love me very well, he does not.
Even the other day I said something online to Daisy about my father I dont remember what but her reply was that she apparently still was his favorite. I didnt say anything else, like, "Oh yeah, what did he say?"
I am happy getting my show together. I invited another pof'r today but not sure he will come. I like getting my show ready it takes my mind off other things in a nice way.
Parna is hot on my lap like a big warm thing. I need ot get up and turn the music down becfor dickwad upstairs starts banging and blows out the lights in the kitchen. It is late.
No comments:
Post a Comment