I havent slept yet. It is quarter to 9am. I am too tired to get up and too awake to go to sleep. Is it awake that I am or something else. Mourning the death of my mother more like. Like entering another world.
My mother is the only person who really loves me and now she is gone. My cat loves me well but I mean a human. Only my mom really loves/loved me.
The quality of her love is the best so I feel blessed that she loved me the way she did.
Not having her now, I am all alone. I was always more or less alone and I probably wanted it that way.
There arent words to describe what this is like now. It is pretty cliche the things that come to mind to describe. "A part of me died when she did" Yeah that feels right.
"I am not the same" Nope I am not. I wonder how to describe the way time stands still and I am swallowed whole by the moment. Something, or a moment can envelop me and there is nothing else.
I put on her sweatshirt she bought when she came to visit me years ago. The string in the hood was missing. I found a shoe lace I think it was, same color and began to feed it through attached to a crappy safety pin which kept opening inside the hood. I finally got it to the other side and there was no hole to push it through. Had my mother changed the zipper on the shirt and that is why? I think so.
I cut a little hole and pushed the lace through. I dont want it to wear out. It has only been 63 days since my mother died, all these things will wear out. Already I have been mourning the things she gave me or bought me. The towels she bought me when she used to shop are tattered. I am stupid to cling to things the way I do.
I hate the fucking winter. I wanted to walk last night but it was raining. It is hard to get on my bike without my lungs getting sore. Fuck this.
My mother feels far away. I hope she is happy.
Just as I hit "publish" there was a big crash at my bedroom window. I have the curtains open and fed the birds. I saw the wings outspread of a hawk and all the wee sparrows going everywhere. I lvoe feeding them but I hate how it puts their life in peril.
I took my cat off my lap and went outside. I didnt see the hawk. It looked like a small one from the view I got from my bed.
It is quiet out there now. I cut a piece of stollen my father brought me with marzipan in it. I slathered it with butter, having it with my tea.
Grasping at trust.
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