Thursday, July 7, 2016

When Wishing for Something Happens and Hanging Out Laundry and Then it Rains

30 years ago this movie came out, was panned. I adore it.
I got some laundry going and out on the line in the incredible heat this morning. Today I was meant to go meet a woman in Yorkville to paint her ugly shabby chic furniture style for her. You know paint Monets on old furniture, now painted pastel colors, French Provincial style. I personally hate that kind of look. I do like the idea of painting furniture and have wanted to pursue that idea for decades. More funky though.

I got one load out, the sheets and things, then I did a darker load and hung it up and I clipped on the last thing it started to rain. No rain in the forecast, darn. I started taking down the first load first as it dreid, almost dried fairly quickly in the hot sun. Mostly dry so now clean hung-outside dry sheets to sleep on tonight, or at least lay on top of, so hot

My mom looks so much better than before
I yanked the wet load in and tossed it in the dryer.

I was meant to meet that woman at 330 at her place where she works out of. Se told me it was a "laid back atmosphere, but I wasnt believing it, feeling it. My soul did not want to go. I heard about the job on facebook entrepreneurial bunz. The woman is argumentative and I had a bad feeling from her. She was nice to me but a bitch to some folks on the thread she posted advertising her job.

I did not want to go. I did not want to go. I need the money. Maybe it would lead to something. She was nice to me. I agreed to go. I was fuming within that the best I could manifest was this crap feeling job.

So she called a few minutes ago to cancel. Awesome. So happy. I did not want to go. I asked her if we could talk a bit on the phone. Get to the brass tacks of how much?

"Sure' I asked her for example how much was the woman paid for the table she painted a Monet bridge on.

45.00. wtf? So typical stereo typical English person wanting to exploit others to line her own pockets. I might get 20 bucks for painting a flower and so on.

Daisy's partner took me kayaking on the Credit River
I was raising the question of how much mark-up did she do and she got angry, "None of anyone's business" and in a bitchy tone. She said something on her website that in hindsight I misunderstood and when I mentioned it she said "You know what, this is not going to work--"

I cut her off, "Okay bye" and hung up. I wanted to go do something. Write on her thread, send her a scathing email but I didnt. I wanted this.

He went for a dip but I did not.
Now I have the day to myself to pursue things closer to my heart. I long to manifest things that I feel strongly about and that pay me well. I want to be way in the black in a way I have not experienced yet.

Monday, July 4, 2016

July the Fourth is Awesome

MKG comfy cosy

July 4 2016 453pm

Today is beautiful, stunning picture perfect. I am painting to boot.

I am feeling optimistic and windows of sunny resplendent opportunity. They are windows up high for me to pluck out of the sky and ground, and to fly through them way up there.

No time to chat, back to painting.

Thank you Loving God for being there all my life for me to trip out on.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Holiday Weekend Darn it I Feel Blue

This is a beautiful day. I took my 7 year old neighbor to the new water park not far from here. We saw this rainbow in the sky and a rainbow around the sun. It was crazy. Gay pride weekend banner from the universe? I wish I was happier though. I am so poor it is frightening me and sickening me.

 How do I survive? I admit I am jealous of people that can go to the cottage and things and I do not have my rent. I feel out of place like I have no safe place for me. I like doing the Paint A Canvas nights but it is not enough to pay my bills. I am not sure what happens now. I went to the park to throw a giant bag of soup stock remnants out in the public garbage and ran into a neighbor and her little boy. She told me she is moving, she got a job offer in London ON.

Her parents live out there and they can buy house twice the size of the bunglalow they have now for half the price they pay here.

It gave me a lift to see someone else doing well, having things work out for them. I had a friend over last week to work on a painting she started and did not finish. She expressed interest in this big painting.
I wish she would buy it so I can pay my rent and stop fretting like mad. They say everything happens for a reason. I want some nice uplifting things to happen for me.
New filters on all the vents look so much better.

It is difficult to trust things will work out when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not wish to be depressed this holdiay weekend but I feel down as shit right now. I want to paint but it is hard to paint when I feel this down.

I am going to do the dishes and eat something.

I may go to bed early. I am sitting in the backyard because G is out here. I am cold in my flimsy dress.

I am grateful for many things in my life. I have my clothes in the dryer, I watered the plants. I have music to listen to. I might stay sad all night, it feels like it now.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

End of a Super Hard Day, Eating Corn Chips in the Back Yard and Relaxing Now

 637 pm June 29
Gosh that totally sucked doing that awful job. Look at the filth, how much what the hell is that huh? Where does this mess come from?

in the kitchen
in the hallway coming in the front door
These are a few pictures of the vents. I wont show all of them, they are unappealing looking. The one under the couch was so ugly and hard to do, I'll spare showing that picture. Maybe tomorrow I will snap some pictures of the nice white filters. This feels good to have it all done although I feel wiped out and  exhausted now.

So hungry, so eating corn chips. I have left over brown rice with carrots, celery, arugula and herbs from my garden, Ginger garlic and egg to flavor it some more. Kind of boring but I dont have to cook. I could throw in some of the soup stock simmering on the stove top. It will simmer until tomorrow some time.  Fuck this was hard. I geared up in an old night shirt to my lower thighs and panties, that was it. A scarf around my face, a hat and a scarf around my neck. Gloves. Glasses. I am happily out of the shower and in a clean dress and fresh panties. Glasses. Bare feet, hanging out in the back yard in the glorious shade. Birds chirping, ought to give them seconds on food. G is hanging out under the cedar trees and I have a cold coffee from this morning. This job was so much work. I am proud I am done it and proud I do so much stuff on my own with no help. Seriously though it took 6 hours to do it all. All I need now is a paycheck for it. I do quite a bit for no paycheck. I dont care about a pay check but I do care about paying my way. I am open to selling a painting any minute now, that would help a lot, both financially and lift my spirits too. I am basically happy. Let me get these birds some more chow while I sit out her in the beautiful evening, still light out. I love it. Okay done, the bird feeders replenished. I could go for a walk for sure later. I could use the exercise. Maybe I would stop by Daisy's and say hi and then maybe head to the Humber. Maybe not that far. Gosh I would like to go to a movie but that feels like too much.

in the bathroom
Later I will heat up the leftovers and chill in bed. See if I can upload flash so I can watch Netflix. I havent been on it for months now. Yeah maybe I will walk to Daisy's.

I did some templates for Paint A Canvas night yesterday.

the furnace filter
I called my godmother to go visit her today but she wasnt in the mood for company. I was a bit hurt but opened up to the strain of thought that went something like, Things happen for a reason, it is not personal... I realized soon enough as well that I wouldnt be done doing the darn filters on time to go visit her anyway. So yeah it worked out and I didnt take it personal.

I came outside to sit in the chair and noticed the new spot the raccoons are making a mess of in the house. Oh poor old house with no one to care for it but me and I dont know how to fix this problem. I have a feeling I am going to be taking this landlord to the Rent Tribunal. I dont want to and that is why I have not yet but the problems pile on and the smell badness from upstairs increases in spite of changing all the filters. Poo yuck.

Not sure what that round thing is bottom right, will go investigate soon
 If I had the dosh I would fix this place up, or would I? Would I simply move? I imagine myself in a nice home with finished seams, no gaping holes and all the crap going on here. I do love this house though after 10 years I love the space more. Birds chirp anywhere I go. I need to move on if I need to move on. I saw a picture of a cute guy on pof. That almost never happens, guys in my age group look awful for the most part. This guy gave me a feeling like being punched in the stomach. I am not going to contact him though. They say you meet someone at the right time, they say you meet someone you are vibrating to. Someone who shares your vibration. I do not feel ready to meet someone still.

My confidence level is not great. I am afraid still. I have a hard time imagining sharing my life with a man. It is not impossible to imagine and I do desire it. The next moment I do not desire it and want my life to unfold some more before anything like that happens. As I write this a crows balks to my left. A message caw caw caw. The sparrows chirp their pretty song in the cedar tree and some big truck grinds out on the street to my right.
stuffing falling out from the roof
wildflower seedlings from seeds

I planted some flowers from a box I got at the dollar store by my folks house in Burlington. An entire box of wild flower seeds for 2 bucks. I am starting to get wee seedlings now and it is tres exciting to see them develop. This is the happiest part of this page, these tiny green things so fresh and full of promise. There are many varietes in the box so which ones will grow here? How exciting and wondrous. The crow caws. The birds chirp. The keys tap and I feel like I cant wait to get out of her and go walk to Daisy's say hi to her, maybe grab a coffee on the way home.

I did good today. Now to find some cash to pay my bills. Or open up and allow it to appear at the right moment. I do like the thought of that. I imagine I already have the cash, I can pay my bills. I am doing what I need to be doing. I am inspired, help is on the way. Although I have lived this life, like this for decades I am not used to it. It is painful. I want more, I want this to change. I am independent and can take care of myself. I am not afraid and full of doubt anymore. This is my goal.

fascinating process.

Changing Filters, Feeling Intensely, and Lemon Square Recipe

The filters and vents need to be changed. The upstairs tenant is spooking the place out with garbage etc. I covered all the vents with hepa filters and they are already dark. I will keep track of this time and see the time lapse. It smells. I think he has started smoking cigars now. At 10pm last night, the smell bombarded me from the open window above the sink. His toxic whatever it is come streaming through the window to boot.

I started snarling in rage and saying "Rude" I was upset and disrupted. My body hated the smoke. I hated it and I hated him. I turned the music on extra loud and proceeded to snap and snarl my rage. I kept the volume up until 1106pm. There are kids next door, although the Vietnamese people in the semi attached to here are far louder than I on a fairly consistent basis, plus it was before 11.

I began some soup stock today. Later I was doing dishes before I get to the big-stank-dirty-filter-put-on-nice-new-fresh-ones-for-a-real-lift-task-at-hand, and singing along with Prince, Another Love, I think it is called. New song, love it. I thought about the pain he was in physical pain. I heard that the trouble with opiates is they quickly intensify your pain. I dont know how that works but when I feel into it it feels excruciating.

I thought of the surgery he went through, the pain of that, the pain of knowing the pain was stemming from being on stage. I stopped doing the dishes and cried and cried. The pain we all go around in, mostly denying. No one wants to hear it, it is negative. All those things we learn to follow suit.

I am grateful I feel that when I allow myself to feel what I actually already feel, to feel when I am triggered etc that I feel Loving Light come into these places leaving me feeling better than I ever have in very real ways.

Loving Light is the real deal. Sometimes being positive is really not.

Daisy sent this recipe. A woman at her job made them for an office party. I can see why they are so tasty with the juice of not one but four lemons. They do not say to add the zest, however knowing me I will.

Friday, June 24, 2016

When Being Kind/Thoughtful Takes Someone By Surprise is Surprising, Kind of Sad

Out in the backyard for my day. Today is for me. I have an umbrella rigged up to the clothes line so I ma in the shade, where I mostly like to be. The birds are chirping. Gwendolyn is in the basement sleeping on a suitcase with a cotton rug on top of it by the basement window. I have a giant coffee and fixed this chair so it is not sloping so far back with a piece of wood. I am surrounded by pillows and entirely comfortable. It is blessedly quiet. My Vietnamese neighbors are not making their usual loud hullaballooTomorrow I have a Paint A Canvas Birthday party. Sunday we are gathering as a family to see my parents.

Yesterday I did a demonstration at Foods for Life and it went well. I must have put on about an inch of the Super Powers Potion on my face as I helped folks sample it. I love doing this, meeting people. Amazing and kind people out there. Sad, sad people. One woman, very prettily dressed with red rimmed glasses and a pretty hat, very fair skin, sweet demeanor, told me she had skin cancer and showed me the scars on her arm. I gave her a hug. She told me she was 83, same age as my mother. The saddest part was though, she is all alone. I woke up today wishing I would have asked for her number so I could go over to her place and help her out a bit. I gave her another hug. It kills me she is all alone, suffering with skin cancer.

I was deeply blessed to go to my parents house and care for my mother. If I could not have done that I would have lost my mind. I needed to be with her and help her any way I could, be there so I could be there. Be there to help my father, share his work load, and the stress of my mother being in excruciating pain for so long.

I like talking to people, that is what I liked about waitressing. (still no call backs from sending my resume out recently--I revamped it, hope that helps, sheesh--won't give up hope, the mantra is Help is on the way.

I sold a bunch of SPP too.

Go away groundhog, ammonia to repel them :)
Maybe I need to go in. The sun is hot and adjusting the umbrella becoming more difficult. Although the songbirds fill me with everything I feel I need and more. Plus the Vietnamese neighbors are back from all night fishing and the racket begins. I am hoping to get some painting done, maybe later. My garden needs attention. Putting the ammonia and water 50/50 in the yogurt container with a rag where the rodent ground hog comes in seems to help. I also put up a bamboo fence in the front that helps keep it out. Fingers crossed. The kale plants are dead, dead, dead and that pisses me off for sure.

I got a box of wildflower seeds while at my parents house and planted some there. I am excited to see if they come up. I adore wildflowers. I sowed some here too and hoping for the best. Ah wildflowers how I love thee.

I planted some bean seeds I had when the groundhog ate all the plants int he front and they are doing well. I will support them asap with some bamboo, that ugly blue fence does not look appetizing at all.

green beans mmmmmm
wildflowers will bloom here yay
Let me get to the part where my kindness surprised someone which surprised me. My neighbor at the top of the street on the same side as me is an old German lady. When I had my dog she came running after her with kicking morions becuase my dog was on the other side of her fence; public property that is but she treats it as hers and lawn Nazi's it as she does her own. Over the years she has gotten too old to care for her garden as much as she used to, she gets someone in now. After she did that to my dog years ago, I do not say a word to her, I do not glance at her, she gets zero of my good attention.

The city put a tree in on the inside of her fence, where there is also a fire hydrant. A nice sapling. She told my neighbor who I do really like that she was going to do nothing because she didnt want this tree. The first 2-3 years the tree needs about 5 gallons of water a day, in this sort of dry hot weather especially. She got this tree like three weeks ago. It is starving for water, it is gasping for water and I think she is a big ugly meanie for not helping this sapling survive. I had big plans of going stealth in the night and feeding it 5 gallons of water but I slept all night long, I really needed the rest.

I woke up fist thing thinking of this poor tree and I called 311. I was connected and the woman was amazed I called. She gave me so many accolades for calling. She kept me on hold while she went and spoke to Forestry. She came back and told me the woman there told her she loved me and wished more people were like me. The woman told me she loved me too. It brightened my day for certain. I did not expect that reaction, in fact was more anticipating an aloof response and the government seems to show more often than not. I was pleased with these departments and thought I could work in a place where they care about trees and people who care about them too.

Apparently they will send someone and water the tree and even might attach some sort of watering bucket so the tree does thrive. Tonight if I can I will go water that tree too. My neighbor right next to me got a tree yesterday nd she is quite negligent as well, but hers is not malicious. I will sneak over there and water her tree in the night too. I would go take a picture of the sad tree but I do not want her to see me and know it was me who snitched on her. Fuck her and her kind.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

My World Exapnds When I Have My Mother To Turn To

My mom and I
Got back from my parents place today. Am in the backyard feeling all tired and worn out. I need to go get ready for a couple of women that are coming over to finish paintings they started. I will take a moment longer to sit out here in the backyard while birds sing. OMG while birds sing! They havent been fed in a few days. RUN and feed them first. Okay, good point, will do. They are like "Listen to us sing? How bout some food?"

Okay done.

My mom getting better
My bank account is down to less than 40.00. That is pretty spooky. Where I am at in my life now, my path is to have faith/feelings that things, my needs etc will be met. I am "changing" my ways from the deep seated grooves that I have been riding.

A really simple and annoying example. Usually it seems when I am on my bike 8-9 times out of ten I am stuck behind a bus going down the road at the same time as me, so I am being driven out of the bike lane, inhaling bus exhaust. When I go for a walk as I pass the acutal bus stop 6 times out of ten the bus rocks up to the stop as I walk by. When I need the bus, it rocks by moments before I get to the stop. I miss the bus when I need it and it sticks to me when I do not.

My blood boils, I get irate, exasperated, indignant and full of wtf?
Paint A Canvas June 17 2016

Today I took the bus from the Go train at Mimico. There was a Jays game so the train was full at 1pm. GO JAYS I came out of the station onto Royal York and the bus was going by me. I ran for the stop as it waited at a red light and it left before I got there. IAnother bus a few blocks up, turned out of antoher street and I missed that one. I walked up to where I bettered my chances for a bus and I waited for the next bus. I was thinking "How do I change my thinking here so I can change this from happening to me?"


A picnic for Bobbytina and her dog
I had a chuckle about it. It is lame. It is benign. I do not live in a third world situation where I would have serious horrible issues to deal with all day and night. Is this how I change? Not get upset about it? WHY DOES IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE RARRRRR

I feel the acceptance for my anger and frustration. I am not shutting it down and changing it into positive thinking. I am feeling my exasperation and feeling picked on unfairly and I am having a chuckle that alleviates the stress of it. Relieving stress is important and I am finding ways to do so more often. As I open to receiving more I can receive more. I am expecting this on a feeling level and this feels good to me. Presently I am poor yet my rent is paid, I paid my phone bill and I have food in the fridge. Thank goodness for soup I made. The two women coming to paint tonight will bring food anyway so I dont need to worry about that. I am not charging them to finish their painting and I am happy to offer this.

More and more I ask myself, what can I do to make a good impact on the world I live in, the people and things around me? I do what I can to improve situations I am in, and this is fun.

My plants need water and I am going to water them. It is like me. My soil/soul gets dry I feel all wilty and needy and then somehow I get watered.

I am learning, being taught to focus on the things I want. Like peace, I love peace. Gratitude, I love to appreciate who and what is around me. I get fed from the sound of the wind, the song birds singing songs to the world. My cat is lying over by the cedar tree I can see her from here and she looks full of peace.

My cousin sent these gorgeous flowers to my mom
Spending time at my parents and giving them all I could, food from my cupboard, my time cleaning and so on, making them soup, buying them treats at the store when I went to buy myself a coffee. Cashews for my dad Coffee Hagen Daz for my mom. Yes I am technically poor but I dont hold back. I give my love, I give what I have, I give my attention and I get joy out of that. Seeing my parents eat the can of nuts, my mom eat the ice cream, them enjoy their cleaned house gives me joy. I like to spend my money on other people, I get a kick out of it.

My mother is doing so much better than she was. I can talk to her again. I can vent to her "Let out air" as she called it. I can ask her advice and listen to her. It gives me strength and joy.

The first night I was there my mom went to bed early. I was glad to see her go rest because even though she is feeling better, she is still fragile. It was dark out. My dad was having some beers as he likes to do. Some of our neighbors showed up and left. I asked my dad  if he was still going to stay outside and he said he was. I went and got the ironing board and the iron and ironed in the night, under the car port while my dad sat at the table and had some beers. It was really cool. I got through a whole basket of clothes, nice leisurely pace and spent time hanging out with my father.

Daisy leaves after celebrating Father's day
Life is amazing. I am looking forward to being on a deep feeling level unafraid of my survival as I have been so long. I am working toward relaxing and knowing life is for me to do what makes me happy.

I was reading an article about a guy who gives seminars on how artists can get a patron, how they can sell blah blah blah. It is nice to imagine that someone would invest in me. I have set up my life to be dependent on myself. I would like to open up and receive. Not charity but an investment. Someone who believes in me and can invest, who wants to see me doing what I do and help me survive. I like to see me sell paintings, teach. I like all of this.

Parents wave bye to Daisy
Mostly I like the feeling of relaxing, unwinding from the chronic anxiety that has been my life. Early childhood trauma threw me into a state of perpetual anxiety that I am wrestling my way out of. The most horrible big knots are undone. I feel that.

I like that I feel as much as I do



Sunday, June 12, 2016

The World Feels Like it Stops My Mother is in the Hospital

Daisy in her new shoes, mani/pedi and her hair trimmed at the salon
Daisy drove us to see my mom again today. We went yesterday and left with our spirits up and fresh. Our mother looked so much better, color in her face, energy. She barely ate though and said some things that did not make sense.

We went today and she looked sallow again. Her confusion was apparent and she seems so weak and frail. She is bare bones and we felt so sad and upset. It is more than sad, it is a million feelings all together that knock us out with exhaustion simply having them in our bodies and hearts.

My poor father is dealing with it as best he can. He is sad and on a kind of holding pattern waiting to see what happens. He has played guitar every day for years now and he is not playing almost at all.

I wish I could talk to them both for hours, say all the things, ask all my questions, let them know the depth of my love for them, how I appreciate them in a million ways.

I am sitting outside in the backyard in my private little spot. G the cat is out here somewhere. She was sleeping when I got home today so I held off coming out here until she woke up. The birds are chirping, "While you are there, how about some food? I means seriously you are right there and the feeders are like empty. Up ya go, go get us some food."

Fine I will. They soften their chirps with my decision. Now they have food. G is eating grass. I think she might rather be inside. It is chilly and no sun here now, although the sun is out. I could go sit in the front where the sun is but I like the privacy here.

I put all sorts of things in the garden to keep the wood chicks/ ground hogs at bay. I think it is working. They ate the kale and the beans down to mere stalks. I'll go in because G wants to. I have laundry to put away, dishes to do and who knows what else.

Daisy starting her new job last week is a blessing and a drag. How to have freedom in this life now, to pursue the real desires in ones heart? How do we get through the day living in complete freedom to do what we want when we want. Getting through the belief this is an option is a job in itself. I want people I love, all good people to live free with everything they need and want there ready for them.

Began a painting on the 6' x 4' canvases I have had waiting for me to paint on. Number one is one the go. Raw umber, or burnt umber ground and then I chalked a grid. I chalked in some coordinates to begin and then went in with oil paint.
Very exciting working this large. Thoughts like, If I can sell this painting, then I can buy another big canvas and paint more big paintings. Visions of being at the Nathan Phillip Square show, making sales, getting my work out there, able to paint more and more and more.


The train series has begun. Much excitement and joy along side a kind of critiquing whether I do want to do all eight canvases in this series. Is this important enough, enough depth to validate a painting this size? Will anyone like it? Is this working?

There is many paintings I would like to paint. I love painting this size. Once I begin it does not feel as big as it is. I love covering the surface with paint. I desire a bigger space so I step back and see what I am doing.

My father and I in front of his umbrella tree

There seems to be a lot of change coming and I dont want it. Like so many people I am afraid of it. I want to hang on to what I already love. The simple things in life excite me.

I watched a video of a kid who killed himself and then he comes back to speak to us of the other side and things like that. They asked about Harambe and the information that came back is there is no hierarchy. Humans are not higher on the scale than any other being.

Holding my cat tonight I was warmed to believe this was true. She is every bit as precious and aware as I am. I thanked her for sharing her life with me.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

What Do You Mean When You Say "No Drama" As a Prerequisite On Your Dating Profile?

Saturday morning with Gwendolyn in backyard
Some "doctor" wrote me ( I put it in quotes because many so-called doctors are full of shit and have no ability to heal or be compassionate to others or this glorious mistreated planet) He said I looked really happy and content so "Did I have room for a relationship?" I wrote back after viewing his sparse profile that only said, "Honesty and no drama a must"

Daisy and her guitar on her back deck
"Not sure really, very content being single.

It kills me when people write "no drama" as a prerequisite. This is Life, life can be very very very very dramatic. When I see that it sends all sorts of red lights flashing. It speaks of someone with little or no tolerance for expression of feelings, of being perceptive and in touch with the atrocities of this world.

Honestly someone who writes that on their profile is absolutely no match for me."

How dramatic hahaha

I would write more in this post about my mom and other stuff however I started a canvas yesterday and will work on that now.

Gwendolyn on my knees in bed. I put a t-shirt in front of my face, she is so much better looking than I