It is 730 pm quiet in here, the cat is sleeping. The jazz radio station
is on quietly in my bedroom where I am headed soon. Feel tired, need my
bed, watch some youtubes, do some knitting and sleep. I meant to get
some painting done today for Saturday's Paint Night instead my soul
droopy eyes me into a chair at my kitchen table where I rarely ever
sit. I mostly use this table to prepare food, to put things on it. It feels nice,
the heat from the stove behind me and the heat from the vent beside me. I
can sit in a good position to type, my fingers, back, butt and legs are
like wow we sit in front of this computer a lot. Putting my forearms on
the top of the table restfully. I sit up straight, put my feet and
knees together and make the most out of this moment. I like the flannel
warm air coming out to my left.
There are mushrooms in the oven. I bought them awhile ago and they
had brown spots on them. I googled to see whether they were safe to eat.
They were not slimy and when I cut the brown spots away the mushroom
was white. I threw them int he pan with butter, garlic and rosemary. I
plan to have a burger. Not because I want to kill a cow at all. I do
not.
I am going to eat a bun made with white four too. Kind of dense ciabatta.
Met a guy at Starbucks from pof today at 130pm. Not to date but to buy a painting. He may buy one for $250.00 Thank goodness. Out of cash today. There is enough for my rent in the bank and then we are scraping dirt.
Lately it has been about trusting in the universe and that my needs are valid.
This is what my focus is these days, the issues I am processing. I trust
the universe and My needs are valid. I love the universe dearly but I
am not sure I have ever really trusted it. I have wanted to for decades.
Living with my back against the wall, where will the rent come from, I
have wanted to trust.
In all this time even when things
were super bad deep gems glittered around me. Each time I would feel
like there was no way out from smashing into the wall. Nights spun
around and around at a furious pace, I could feel myself whirling down. I
could feel the powerful suck hole getting closer and closer. I could
look down into the blue abyss swirling downward like a mighty vacuum, I
prayed cried and did everything I could to keep it at bay.
Even the couple of times I was homeless I was okay, I was all right. I was kept safe. I pulled through.
Here
I am again. The universe educates me to trust but the feeling need to
feel it. My needs are valid. This is an easier one to navigate. Tapping into my needs being valid helps me make choices, helps me contextualize my experiences.
The
kind universe having intimate knowledge of my reality brushed me
comfortingly with two checks, one for 60 bucks, the other for 68 bucks arrived
from Revenue Canada
Later int he afternoon I put the nice Calvin Klein suit on Gitiku's mother gave me when I helped her clear out her things to move to High Park. I put on some make-up and nice shoes. Said a few prayers.
I had already printed out my resume, revised the cover letter I already sent them, printed out the reference letter and headed on my bike to the place. I got lost, the interviews were not being held at the new place which is still being built but rather at an office nearby somewhere. Uck I got lost and it was cold out. I finally found it with the help of some people on the street when I asked them directions.
There were lots of people there. A man and a woman were manning the desk. They were nice. The guy had tats all around his neck, that put me right at ease. I told them I had been following this restaurant for ages. I told them I sent them an email application, they have them on their website. Then I sent a cover letter and a resume through regular mail to their corporate offices. They said "Oh wow, good for you" as though they were impressed. The thing is they were from that corporate office so how come no one contacted me, or knew. Maybe this job fair ws the only way they were recruiting. Or maybe they did not dig my resume.
I had to fill out their application, was like re-doing my resume and some other paperwork. I sat in the chair, aware that I wanted to come across as a nice person cheerful but not fake. I didnt chat like I normally do, trying to behave like most people do. Although when I heard the woman say she was going to get water and not sure where to go, I spoke up because I live in the area and told her where she could get some.
I sat up straight, palms open and facing down on my lap, fingers together. Legs together and slightly bent to the left.
When it was my turn, about 20 minutes later the woman went in the separate room to talk to the interviewer guy. I had a feeling she was telling him about me already contacting them. I had a good feeling about that.
I am not sure how I did. They said they would send an email. Then again I heard him tell he people at the desk to get this applicant a "cocktail uniform". He asked me what I was doing with my art education. I told him I had a website, a little business and I did Paint Night. He stopped me then and told me they had Paint Night at Shoeless Joe's, Duncan and King, new thing, on Monday nights.
"Oh that is so cool, I could do that".
He asked me some questions like how did my art work add to me being a server. I said how perceptive I was to people that I could read them. In the end I ended up saying that I felt working in the restaurant industry was really about Love. I was surprised when he agreed.
Maybe since he did not ask me about the uniform I did not get in? He interviewed the girl who got the uniform straight up ahead of me. Then another interviewer came and got the paper with pictures of the various uniforms off his desk for another young woman being interviewed a few feet away.
Will I get it? Can I trust the universe to help me get through the next couple of months? They are not opening for a month. Can I trust that if I do not get the job it is better for me and not something to beat myself up about? These awful feeligns that surface like I wont/did not get it and therefore I am a loser and I wil be homeless...
These are painful. I back myself. My needs arevalid and I need to take care of myself, pay my stupid bills to the man who does nothing to help this house while it falls down more and more all the time.
I had a horrid flood, the roof is falling off in pieces, I find shingles and slate on the ground. I am grateful to be dry and warm right now.
No wonder I want to go to bed now. After I eat my burger that is almost done cooking. Need to toast the bun and that ought to be it.
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