Prince: 1+1+1=3

When Wishing for Something Happens and Hanging Out Laundry and Then it Rains

30 years ago this movie came out, was panned. I adore it.

I got some laundry going and out on the line in the incredible heat this morning. Today I was meant to go meet a woman in Yorkville to paint her ugly shabby chic furniture style for her. You know paint Monets on old furniture, now painted pastel colors, French Provincial style. I personally hate that kind of look. I do like the idea of painting furniture and have wanted to pursue that idea for decades. More funky though.

I got one load out, the sheets and things, then I did a darker load and hung it up and I clipped on the last thing it started to rain. No rain in the forecast, darn. I started taking down the first load first as it dreid, almost dried fairly quickly in the hot sun. Mostly dry so now clean hung-outside dry sheets to sleep on tonight, or at least lay on top of, so hot

My mom looks so much better than before

I yanked the wet load in and tossed it in the dryer.

I was meant to meet that woman at 330 at her place where she works out of. Se told me it was a "laid back atmosphere, but I wasnt believing it, feeling it. My soul did not want to go. I heard about the job on facebook entrepreneurial bunz. The woman is argumentative and I had a bad feeling from her. She was nice to me but a bitch to some folks on the thread she posted advertising her job.

I did not want to go. I did not want to go. I need the money. Maybe it would lead to something. She was nice to me. I agreed to go. I was fuming within that the best I could manifest was this crap feeling job.

So she called a few minutes ago to cancel. Awesome. So happy. I did not want to go. I asked her if we could talk a bit on the phone. Get to the brass tacks of how much?

"Sure' I asked her for example how much was the woman paid for the table she painted a Monet bridge on.

45.00. wtf? So typical stereo typical English person wanting to exploit others to line her own pockets. I might get 20 bucks for painting a flower and so on.

Daisy's partner took me kayaking on the Credit River

I was raising the question of how much mark-up did she do and she got angry, "None of anyone's business" and in a bitchy tone. She said something on her website that in hindsight I misunderstood and when I mentioned it she said "You know what, this is not going to work--"

I cut her off, "Okay bye" and hung up. I wanted to go do something. Write on her thread, send her a scathing email but I didnt. I wanted this.

He went for a dip but I did not.

Now I have the day to myself to pursue things closer to my heart. I long to manifest things that I feel strongly about and that pay me well. I want to be way in the black in a way I have not experienced yet.

July the Fourth is Awesome

MKG comfy cosy

July 4 2016 453pm

Today is beautiful, stunning picture perfect. I am painting to boot.

I am feeling optimistic and windows of sunny resplendent opportunity. They are windows up high for me to pluck out of the sky and ground, and to fly through them way up there.

No time to chat, back to painting.

Thank you Loving God for being there all my life for me to trip out on.

Holiday Weekend Darn it I Feel Blue

This is a beautiful day. I took my 7 year old neighbor to the new water park not far from here. We saw this rainbow in the sky and a rainbow around the sun. It was crazy. Gay pride weekend banner from the universe? I wish I was happier though. I am so poor it is frightening me and sickening me.

 How do I survive? I admit I am jealous of people that can go to the cottage and things and I do not have my rent. I feel out of place like I have no safe place for me. I like doing the Paint A Canvas nights but it is not enough to pay my bills. I am not sure what happens now. I went to the park to throw a giant bag of soup stock remnants out in the public garbage and ran into a neighbor and her little boy. She told me she is moving, she got a job offer in London ON.

Her parents live out there and they can buy house twice the size of the bunglalow they have now for half the price they pay here.

It gave me a lift to see someone else doing well, having things work out for them. I had a friend over last week to work on a painting she started and did not finish. She expressed interest in this big painting.
I wish she would buy it so I can pay my rent and stop fretting like mad. They say everything happens for a reason. I want some nice uplifting things to happen for me.

New filters on all the vents look so much better.

It is difficult to trust things will work out when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not wish to be depressed this holdiay weekend but I feel down as shit right now. I want to paint but it is hard to paint when I feel this down.

I am going to do the dishes and eat something.

I may go to bed early. I am sitting in the backyard because G is out here. I am cold in my flimsy dress.

I am grateful for many things in my life. I have my clothes in the dryer, I watered the plants. I have music to listen to. I might stay sad all night, it feels like it now.

End of a Super Hard Day, Eating Corn Chips in the Back Yard and Relaxing Now

 637 pm June 29
Gosh that totally sucked doing that awful job. Look at the filth, how much what the hell is that huh? Where does this mess come from?

in the kitchen

in the hallway coming in the front door

These are a few pictures of the vents. I wont show all of them, they are unappealing looking. The one under the couch was so ugly and hard to do, I'll spare showing that picture. Maybe tomorrow I will snap some pictures of the nice white filters. This feels good to have it all done although I feel wiped out and  exhausted now.

So hungry, so eating corn chips. I have left over brown rice with carrots, celery, arugula and herbs from my garden, Ginger garlic and egg to flavor it some more. Kind of boring but I dont have to cook. I could throw in some of the soup stock simmering on the stove top. It will simmer until tomorrow some time.  Fuck this was hard. I geared up in an old night shirt to my lower thighs and panties, that was it. A scarf around my face, a hat and a scarf around my neck. Gloves. Glasses. I am happily out of the shower and in a clean dress and fresh panties. Glasses. Bare feet, hanging out in the back yard in the glorious shade. Birds chirping, ought to give them seconds on food. G is hanging out under the cedar trees and I have a cold coffee from this morning. This job was so much work. I am proud I am done it and proud I do so much stuff on my own with no help. Seriously though it took 6 hours to do it all. All I need now is a paycheck for it. I do quite a bit for no paycheck. I dont care about a pay check but I do care about paying my way. I am open to selling a painting any minute now, that would help a lot, both financially and lift my spirits too. I am basically happy. Let me get these birds some more chow while I sit out her in the beautiful evening, still light out. I love it. Okay done, the bird feeders replenished. I could go for a walk for sure later. I could use the exercise. Maybe I would stop by Daisy's and say hi and then maybe head to the Humber. Maybe not that far. Gosh I would like to go to a movie but that feels like too much.

in the bathroom

Later I will heat up the leftovers and chill in bed. See if I can upload flash so I can watch Netflix. I havent been on it for months now. Yeah maybe I will walk to Daisy's.

I did some templates for Paint A Canvas night yesterday.

the furnace filter

I called my godmother to go visit her today but she wasnt in the mood for company. I was a bit hurt but opened up to the strain of thought that went something like, Things happen for a reason, it is not personal... I realized soon enough as well that I wouldnt be done doing the darn filters on time to go visit her anyway. So yeah it worked out and I didnt take it personal.

I came outside to sit in the chair and noticed the new spot the raccoons are making a mess of in the house. Oh poor old house with no one to care for it but me and I dont know how to fix this problem. I have a feeling I am going to be taking this landlord to the Rent Tribunal. I dont want to and that is why I have not yet but the problems pile on and the smell badness from upstairs increases in spite of changing all the filters. Poo yuck.

Not sure what that round thing is bottom right, will go investigate soon

 If I had the dosh I would fix this place up, or would I? Would I simply move? I imagine myself in a nice home with finished seams, no gaping holes and all the crap going on here. I do love this house though after 10 years I love the space more. Birds chirp anywhere I go. I need to move on if I need to move on. I saw a picture of a cute guy on pof. That almost never happens, guys in my age group look awful for the most part. This guy gave me a feeling like being punched in the stomach. I am not going to contact him though. They say you meet someone at the right time, they say you meet someone you are vibrating to. Someone who shares your vibration. I do not feel ready to meet someone still.

My confidence level is not great. I am afraid still. I have a hard time imagining sharing my life with a man. It is not impossible to imagine and I do desire it. The next moment I do not desire it and want my life to unfold some more before anything like that happens. As I write this a crows balks to my left. A message caw caw caw. The sparrows chirp their pretty song in the cedar tree and some big truck grinds out on the street to my right.

stuffing falling out from the roof

wildflower seedlings from seeds

I planted some flowers from a box I got at the dollar store by my folks house in Burlington. An entire box of wild flower seeds for 2 bucks. I am starting to get wee seedlings now and it is tres exciting to see them develop. This is the happiest part of this page, these tiny green things so fresh and full of promise. There are many varietes in the box so which ones will grow here? How exciting and wondrous. The crow caws. The birds chirp. The keys tap and I feel like I cant wait to get out of her and go walk to Daisy's say hi to her, maybe grab a coffee on the way home.

I did good today. Now to find some cash to pay my bills. Or open up and allow it to appear at the right moment. I do like the thought of that. I imagine I already have the cash, I can pay my bills. I am doing what I need to be doing. I am inspired, help is on the way. Although I have lived this life, like this for decades I am not used to it. It is painful. I want more, I want this to change. I am independent and can take care of myself. I am not afraid and full of doubt anymore. This is my goal.

fascinating process.

Changing Filters, Feeling Intensely, and Lemon Square Recipe

The filters and vents need to be changed. The upstairs tenant is spooking the place out with garbage etc. I covered all the vents with hepa filters and they are already dark. I will keep track of this time and see the time lapse. It smells. I think he has started smoking cigars now. At 10pm last night, the smell bombarded me from the open window above the sink. His toxic whatever it is come streaming through the window to boot.

I started snarling in rage and saying "Rude" I was upset and disrupted. My body hated the smoke. I hated it and I hated him. I turned the music on extra loud and proceeded to snap and snarl my rage. I kept the volume up until 1106pm. There are kids next door, although the Vietnamese people in the semi attached to here are far louder than I on a fairly consistent basis, plus it was before 11.

I began some soup stock today. Later I was doing dishes before I get to the big-stank-dirty-filter-put-on-nice-new-fresh-ones-for-a-real-lift-task-at-hand, and singing along with Prince, Another Love, I think it is called. New song, love it. I thought about the pain he was in physical pain. I heard that the trouble with opiates is they quickly intensify your pain. I dont know how that works but when I feel into it it feels excruciating.

I thought of the surgery he went through, the pain of that, the pain of knowing the pain was stemming from being on stage. I stopped doing the dishes and cried and cried. The pain we all go around in, mostly denying. No one wants to hear it, it is negative. All those things we learn to follow suit.

I am grateful I feel that when I allow myself to feel what I actually already feel, to feel when I am triggered etc that I feel Loving Light come into these places leaving me feeling better than I ever have in very real ways.

Loving Light is the real deal. Sometimes being positive is really not.

Daisy sent this recipe. A woman at her job made them for an office party. I can see why they are so tasty with the juice of not one but four lemons. They do not say to add the zest, however knowing me I will.

Baby Raccoon June 25 2016