Wednesday, June 22, 2016

My World Exapnds When I Have My Mother To Turn To

My mom and I
Got back from my parents place today. Am in the backyard feeling all tired and worn out. I need to go get ready for a couple of women that are coming over to finish paintings they started. I will take a moment longer to sit out here in the backyard while birds sing. OMG while birds sing! They havent been fed in a few days. RUN and feed them first. Okay, good point, will do. They are like "Listen to us sing? How bout some food?"

Okay done.

My mom getting better
My bank account is down to less than 40.00. That is pretty spooky. Where I am at in my life now, my path is to have faith/feelings that things, my needs etc will be met. I am "changing" my ways from the deep seated grooves that I have been riding.

A really simple and annoying example. Usually it seems when I am on my bike 8-9 times out of ten I am stuck behind a bus going down the road at the same time as me, so I am being driven out of the bike lane, inhaling bus exhaust. When I go for a walk as I pass the acutal bus stop 6 times out of ten the bus rocks up to the stop as I walk by. When I need the bus, it rocks by moments before I get to the stop. I miss the bus when I need it and it sticks to me when I do not.

My blood boils, I get irate, exasperated, indignant and full of wtf?
Paint A Canvas June 17 2016

Today I took the bus from the Go train at Mimico. There was a Jays game so the train was full at 1pm. GO JAYS I came out of the station onto Royal York and the bus was going by me. I ran for the stop as it waited at a red light and it left before I got there. IAnother bus a few blocks up, turned out of antoher street and I missed that one. I walked up to where I bettered my chances for a bus and I waited for the next bus. I was thinking "How do I change my thinking here so I can change this from happening to me?"


A picnic for Bobbytina and her dog
I had a chuckle about it. It is lame. It is benign. I do not live in a third world situation where I would have serious horrible issues to deal with all day and night. Is this how I change? Not get upset about it? WHY DOES IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE RARRRRR

I feel the acceptance for my anger and frustration. I am not shutting it down and changing it into positive thinking. I am feeling my exasperation and feeling picked on unfairly and I am having a chuckle that alleviates the stress of it. Relieving stress is important and I am finding ways to do so more often. As I open to receiving more I can receive more. I am expecting this on a feeling level and this feels good to me. Presently I am poor yet my rent is paid, I paid my phone bill and I have food in the fridge. Thank goodness for soup I made. The two women coming to paint tonight will bring food anyway so I dont need to worry about that. I am not charging them to finish their painting and I am happy to offer this.

More and more I ask myself, what can I do to make a good impact on the world I live in, the people and things around me? I do what I can to improve situations I am in, and this is fun.

My plants need water and I am going to water them. It is like me. My soil/soul gets dry I feel all wilty and needy and then somehow I get watered.

I am learning, being taught to focus on the things I want. Like peace, I love peace. Gratitude, I love to appreciate who and what is around me. I get fed from the sound of the wind, the song birds singing songs to the world. My cat is lying over by the cedar tree I can see her from here and she looks full of peace.

My cousin sent these gorgeous flowers to my mom
Spending time at my parents and giving them all I could, food from my cupboard, my time cleaning and so on, making them soup, buying them treats at the store when I went to buy myself a coffee. Cashews for my dad Coffee Hagen Daz for my mom. Yes I am technically poor but I dont hold back. I give my love, I give what I have, I give my attention and I get joy out of that. Seeing my parents eat the can of nuts, my mom eat the ice cream, them enjoy their cleaned house gives me joy. I like to spend my money on other people, I get a kick out of it.

My mother is doing so much better than she was. I can talk to her again. I can vent to her "Let out air" as she called it. I can ask her advice and listen to her. It gives me strength and joy.

The first night I was there my mom went to bed early. I was glad to see her go rest because even though she is feeling better, she is still fragile. It was dark out. My dad was having some beers as he likes to do. Some of our neighbors showed up and left. I asked my dad  if he was still going to stay outside and he said he was. I went and got the ironing board and the iron and ironed in the night, under the car port while my dad sat at the table and had some beers. It was really cool. I got through a whole basket of clothes, nice leisurely pace and spent time hanging out with my father.

Daisy leaves after celebrating Father's day
Life is amazing. I am looking forward to being on a deep feeling level unafraid of my survival as I have been so long. I am working toward relaxing and knowing life is for me to do what makes me happy.

I was reading an article about a guy who gives seminars on how artists can get a patron, how they can sell blah blah blah. It is nice to imagine that someone would invest in me. I have set up my life to be dependent on myself. I would like to open up and receive. Not charity but an investment. Someone who believes in me and can invest, who wants to see me doing what I do and help me survive. I like to see me sell paintings, teach. I like all of this.

Parents wave bye to Daisy
Mostly I like the feeling of relaxing, unwinding from the chronic anxiety that has been my life. Early childhood trauma threw me into a state of perpetual anxiety that I am wrestling my way out of. The most horrible big knots are undone. I feel that.

I like that I feel as much as I do



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