Sunday, June 12, 2016

The World Feels Like it Stops My Mother is in the Hospital

Daisy in her new shoes, mani/pedi and her hair trimmed at the salon
Daisy drove us to see my mom again today. We went yesterday and left with our spirits up and fresh. Our mother looked so much better, color in her face, energy. She barely ate though and said some things that did not make sense.

We went today and she looked sallow again. Her confusion was apparent and she seems so weak and frail. She is bare bones and we felt so sad and upset. It is more than sad, it is a million feelings all together that knock us out with exhaustion simply having them in our bodies and hearts.

My poor father is dealing with it as best he can. He is sad and on a kind of holding pattern waiting to see what happens. He has played guitar every day for years now and he is not playing almost at all.

I wish I could talk to them both for hours, say all the things, ask all my questions, let them know the depth of my love for them, how I appreciate them in a million ways.

I am sitting outside in the backyard in my private little spot. G the cat is out here somewhere. She was sleeping when I got home today so I held off coming out here until she woke up. The birds are chirping, "While you are there, how about some food? I means seriously you are right there and the feeders are like empty. Up ya go, go get us some food."

Fine I will. They soften their chirps with my decision. Now they have food. G is eating grass. I think she might rather be inside. It is chilly and no sun here now, although the sun is out. I could go sit in the front where the sun is but I like the privacy here.

I put all sorts of things in the garden to keep the wood chicks/ ground hogs at bay. I think it is working. They ate the kale and the beans down to mere stalks. I'll go in because G wants to. I have laundry to put away, dishes to do and who knows what else.

Daisy starting her new job last week is a blessing and a drag. How to have freedom in this life now, to pursue the real desires in ones heart? How do we get through the day living in complete freedom to do what we want when we want. Getting through the belief this is an option is a job in itself. I want people I love, all good people to live free with everything they need and want there ready for them.

Began a painting on the 6' x 4' canvases I have had waiting for me to paint on. Number one is one the go. Raw umber, or burnt umber ground and then I chalked a grid. I chalked in some coordinates to begin and then went in with oil paint.
Very exciting working this large. Thoughts like, If I can sell this painting, then I can buy another big canvas and paint more big paintings. Visions of being at the Nathan Phillip Square show, making sales, getting my work out there, able to paint more and more and more.


The train series has begun. Much excitement and joy along side a kind of critiquing whether I do want to do all eight canvases in this series. Is this important enough, enough depth to validate a painting this size? Will anyone like it? Is this working?

There is many paintings I would like to paint. I love painting this size. Once I begin it does not feel as big as it is. I love covering the surface with paint. I desire a bigger space so I step back and see what I am doing.

My father and I in front of his umbrella tree

There seems to be a lot of change coming and I dont want it. Like so many people I am afraid of it. I want to hang on to what I already love. The simple things in life excite me.

I watched a video of a kid who killed himself and then he comes back to speak to us of the other side and things like that. They asked about Harambe and the information that came back is there is no hierarchy. Humans are not higher on the scale than any other being.

Holding my cat tonight I was warmed to believe this was true. She is every bit as precious and aware as I am. I thanked her for sharing her life with me.

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