When Being Kind/Thoughtful Takes Someone By Surprise is Surprising, Kind of Sad

Out in the backyard for my day. Today is for me. I have an umbrella rigged up to the clothes line so I ma in the shade, where I mostly like to be. The birds are chirping. Gwendolyn is in the basement sleeping on a suitcase with a cotton rug on top of it by the basement window. I have a giant coffee and fixed this chair so it is not sloping so far back with a piece of wood. I am surrounded by pillows and entirely comfortable. It is blessedly quiet. My Vietnamese neighbors are not making their usual loud hullaballooTomorrow I have a Paint A Canvas Birthday party. Sunday we are gathering as a family to see my parents.

Yesterday I did a demonstration at Foods for Life and it went well. I must have put on about an inch of the Super Powers Potion on my face as I helped folks sample it. I love doing this, meeting people. Amazing and kind people out there. Sad, sad people. One woman, very prettily dressed with red rimmed glasses and a pretty hat, very fair skin, sweet demeanor, told me she had skin cancer and showed me the scars on her arm. I gave her a hug. She told me she was 83, same age as my mother. The saddest part was though, she is all alone. I woke up today wishing I would have asked for her number so I could go over to her place and help her out a bit. I gave her another hug. It kills me she is all alone, suffering with skin cancer.

I was deeply blessed to go to my parents house and care for my mother. If I could not have done that I would have lost my mind. I needed to be with her and help her any way I could, be there so I could be there. Be there to help my father, share his work load, and the stress of my mother being in excruciating pain for so long.

I like talking to people, that is what I liked about waitressing. (still no call backs from sending my resume out recently--I revamped it, hope that helps, sheesh--won't give up hope, the mantra is Help is on the way.

I sold a bunch of SPP too.

Go away groundhog, ammonia to repel them :)

Maybe I need to go in. The sun is hot and adjusting the umbrella becoming more difficult. Although the songbirds fill me with everything I feel I need and more. Plus the Vietnamese neighbors are back from all night fishing and the racket begins. I am hoping to get some painting done, maybe later. My garden needs attention. Putting the ammonia and water 50/50 in the yogurt container with a rag where the rodent ground hog comes in seems to help. I also put up a bamboo fence in the front that helps keep it out. Fingers crossed. The kale plants are dead, dead, dead and that pisses me off for sure.

I got a box of wildflower seeds while at my parents house and planted some there. I am excited to see if they come up. I adore wildflowers. I sowed some here too and hoping for the best. Ah wildflowers how I love thee.

I planted some bean seeds I had when the groundhog ate all the plants int he front and they are doing well. I will support them asap with some bamboo, that ugly blue fence does not look appetizing at all.

green beans mmmmmm

wildflowers will bloom here yay

Let me get to the part where my kindness surprised someone which surprised me. My neighbor at the top of the street on the same side as me is an old German lady. When I had my dog she came running after her with kicking morions becuase my dog was on the other side of her fence; public property that is but she treats it as hers and lawn Nazi's it as she does her own. Over the years she has gotten too old to care for her garden as much as she used to, she gets someone in now. After she did that to my dog years ago, I do not say a word to her, I do not glance at her, she gets zero of my good attention.

The city put a tree in on the inside of her fence, where there is also a fire hydrant. A nice sapling. She told my neighbor who I do really like that she was going to do nothing because she didnt want this tree. The first 2-3 years the tree needs about 5 gallons of water a day, in this sort of dry hot weather especially. She got this tree like three weeks ago. It is starving for water, it is gasping for water and I think she is a big ugly meanie for not helping this sapling survive. I had big plans of going stealth in the night and feeding it 5 gallons of water but I slept all night long, I really needed the rest.

I woke up fist thing thinking of this poor tree and I called 311. I was connected and the woman was amazed I called. She gave me so many accolades for calling. She kept me on hold while she went and spoke to Forestry. She came back and told me the woman there told her she loved me and wished more people were like me. The woman told me she loved me too. It brightened my day for certain. I did not expect that reaction, in fact was more anticipating an aloof response and the government seems to show more often than not. I was pleased with these departments and thought I could work in a place where they care about trees and people who care about them too.

Apparently they will send someone and water the tree and even might attach some sort of watering bucket so the tree does thrive. Tonight if I can I will go water that tree too. My neighbor right next to me got a tree yesterday nd she is quite negligent as well, but hers is not malicious. I will sneak over there and water her tree in the night too. I would go take a picture of the sad tree but I do not want her to see me and know it was me who snitched on her. Fuck her and her kind.

My World Exapnds When I Have My Mother To Turn To

My mom and I

Got back from my parents place today. Am in the backyard feeling all tired and worn out. I need to go get ready for a couple of women that are coming over to finish paintings they started. I will take a moment longer to sit out here in the backyard while birds sing. OMG while birds sing! They havent been fed in a few days. RUN and feed them first. Okay, good point, will do. They are like "Listen to us sing? How bout some food?"

Okay done.

My mom getting better

My bank account is down to less than 40.00. That is pretty spooky. Where I am at in my life now, my path is to have faith/feelings that things, my needs etc will be met. I am "changing" my ways from the deep seated grooves that I have been riding.

A really simple and annoying example. Usually it seems when I am on my bike 8-9 times out of ten I am stuck behind a bus going down the road at the same time as me, so I am being driven out of the bike lane, inhaling bus exhaust. When I go for a walk as I pass the acutal bus stop 6 times out of ten the bus rocks up to the stop as I walk by. When I need the bus, it rocks by moments before I get to the stop. I miss the bus when I need it and it sticks to me when I do not.

My blood boils, I get irate, exasperated, indignant and full of wtf?

Paint A Canvas June 17 2016

Today I took the bus from the Go train at Mimico. There was a Jays game so the train was full at 1pm. GO JAYS I came out of the station onto Royal York and the bus was going by me. I ran for the stop as it waited at a red light and it left before I got there. IAnother bus a few blocks up, turned out of antoher street and I missed that one. I walked up to where I bettered my chances for a bus and I waited for the next bus. I was thinking "How do I change my thinking here so I can change this from happening to me?"

I AM SICK OF THIS RARRRRRR

A picnic for Bobbytina and her dog

I had a chuckle about it. It is lame. It is benign. I do not live in a third world situation where I would have serious horrible issues to deal with all day and night. Is this how I change? Not get upset about it? WHY DOES IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE RARRRRR

I feel the acceptance for my anger and frustration. I am not shutting it down and changing it into positive thinking. I am feeling my exasperation and feeling picked on unfairly and I am having a chuckle that alleviates the stress of it. Relieving stress is important and I am finding ways to do so more often. As I open to receiving more I can receive more. I am expecting this on a feeling level and this feels good to me. Presently I am poor yet my rent is paid, I paid my phone bill and I have food in the fridge. Thank goodness for soup I made. The two women coming to paint tonight will bring food anyway so I dont need to worry about that. I am not charging them to finish their painting and I am happy to offer this.

More and more I ask myself, what can I do to make a good impact on the world I live in, the people and things around me? I do what I can to improve situations I am in, and this is fun.

My plants need water and I am going to water them. It is like me. My soil/soul gets dry I feel all wilty and needy and then somehow I get watered.

I am learning, being taught to focus on the things I want. Like peace, I love peace. Gratitude, I love to appreciate who and what is around me. I get fed from the sound of the wind, the song birds singing songs to the world. My cat is lying over by the cedar tree I can see her from here and she looks full of peace.

My cousin sent these gorgeous flowers to my mom

Spending time at my parents and giving them all I could, food from my cupboard, my time cleaning and so on, making them soup, buying them treats at the store when I went to buy myself a coffee. Cashews for my dad Coffee Hagen Daz for my mom. Yes I am technically poor but I dont hold back. I give my love, I give what I have, I give my attention and I get joy out of that. Seeing my parents eat the can of nuts, my mom eat the ice cream, them enjoy their cleaned house gives me joy. I like to spend my money on other people, I get a kick out of it.

My mother is doing so much better than she was. I can talk to her again. I can vent to her "Let out air" as she called it. I can ask her advice and listen to her. It gives me strength and joy.

The first night I was there my mom went to bed early. I was glad to see her go rest because even though she is feeling better, she is still fragile. It was dark out. My dad was having some beers as he likes to do. Some of our neighbors showed up and left. I asked my dad  if he was still going to stay outside and he said he was. I went and got the ironing board and the iron and ironed in the night, under the car port while my dad sat at the table and had some beers. It was really cool. I got through a whole basket of clothes, nice leisurely pace and spent time hanging out with my father.

Daisy leaves after celebrating Father's day

Life is amazing. I am looking forward to being on a deep feeling level unafraid of my survival as I have been so long. I am working toward relaxing and knowing life is for me to do what makes me happy.


I was reading an article about a guy who gives seminars on how artists can get a patron, how they can sell blah blah blah. It is nice to imagine that someone would invest in me. I have set up my life to be dependent on myself. I would like to open up and receive. Not charity but an investment. Someone who believes in me and can invest, who wants to see me doing what I do and help me survive. I like to see me sell paintings, teach. I like all of this.

Parents wave bye to Daisy

Mostly I like the feeling of relaxing, unwinding from the chronic anxiety that has been my life. Early childhood trauma threw me into a state of perpetual anxiety that I am wrestling my way out of. The most horrible big knots are undone. I feel that.

I like that I feel as much as I do

Gwendolyn

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The World Feels Like it Stops My Mother is in the Hospital

Daisy in her new shoes, mani/pedi and her hair trimmed at the salon

Daisy drove us to see my mom again today. We went yesterday and left with our spirits up and fresh. Our mother looked so much better, color in her face, energy. She barely ate though and said some things that did not make sense.

We went today and she looked sallow again. Her confusion was apparent and she seems so weak and frail. She is bare bones and we felt so sad and upset. It is more than sad, it is a million feelings all together that knock us out with exhaustion simply having them in our bodies and hearts.

My poor father is dealing with it as best he can. He is sad and on a kind of holding pattern waiting to see what happens. He has played guitar every day for years now and he is not playing almost at all.

I wish I could talk to them both for hours, say all the things, ask all my questions, let them know the depth of my love for them, how I appreciate them in a million ways.

I am sitting outside in the backyard in my private little spot. G the cat is out here somewhere. She was sleeping when I got home today so I held off coming out here until she woke up. The birds are chirping, "While you are there, how about some food? I means seriously you are right there and the feeders are like empty. Up ya go, go get us some food."

Fine I will. They soften their chirps with my decision. Now they have food. G is eating grass. I think she might rather be inside. It is chilly and no sun here now, although the sun is out. I could go sit in the front where the sun is but I like the privacy here.

I put all sorts of things in the garden to keep the wood chicks/ ground hogs at bay. I think it is working. They ate the kale and the beans down to mere stalks. I'll go in because G wants to. I have laundry to put away, dishes to do and who knows what else.

Daisy starting her new job last week is a blessing and a drag. How to have freedom in this life now, to pursue the real desires in ones heart? How do we get through the day living in complete freedom to do what we want when we want. Getting through the belief this is an option is a job in itself. I want people I love, all good people to live free with everything they need and want there ready for them.

Began a painting on the 6' x 4' canvases I have had waiting for me to paint on. Number one is one the go. Raw umber, or burnt umber ground and then I chalked a grid. I chalked in some coordinates to begin and then went in with oil paint.

 

Very exciting working this large. Thoughts like, If I can sell this painting, then I can buy another big canvas and paint more big paintings. Visions of being at the Nathan Phillip Square show, making sales, getting my work out there, able to paint more and more and more.

  

The train series has begun. Much excitement and joy along side a kind of critiquing whether I do want to do all eight canvases in this series. Is this important enough, enough depth to validate a painting this size? Will anyone like it? Is this working?

There is many paintings I would like to paint. I love painting this size. Once I begin it does not feel as big as it is. I love covering the surface with paint. I desire a bigger space so I step back and see what I am doing.

My father and I in front of his umbrella tree

There seems to be a lot of change coming and I dont want it. Like so many people I am afraid of it. I want to hang on to what I already love. The simple things in life excite me.

I watched a video of a kid who killed himself and then he comes back to speak to us of the other side and things like that. They asked about Harambe and the information that came back is there is no hierarchy. Humans are not higher on the scale than any other being.



Holding my cat tonight I was warmed to believe this was true. She is every bit as precious and aware as I am. I thanked her for sharing her life with me.

What Do You Mean When You Say "No Drama" As a Prerequisite On Your Dating Profile?

Saturday morning with Gwendolyn in backyard

Some "doctor" wrote me ( I put it in quotes because many so-called doctors are full of shit and have no ability to heal or be compassionate to others or this glorious mistreated planet) He said I looked really happy and content so "Did I have room for a relationship?" I wrote back after viewing his sparse profile that only said, "Honesty and no drama a must"

Daisy and her guitar on her back deck

"Not sure really, very content being single.

It kills me when people write "no drama" as a prerequisite. This is Life, life can be very very very very dramatic. When I see that it sends all sorts of red lights flashing. It speaks of someone with little or no tolerance for expression of feelings, of being perceptive and in touch with the atrocities of this world.

Honestly someone who writes that on their profile is absolutely no match for me."

How dramatic hahaha

I would write more in this post about my mom and other stuff however I started a canvas yesterday and will work on that now.

Gwendolyn on my knees in bed. I put a t-shirt in front of my face, she is so much better looking than I

Fort Mc Murray, Tulips, Gwendolyn the Cat

 This tulip got eaten by some animal, a squirrel, and left to die. It made me sad that this little bloom had not even a chance to bloom before it was sliced off and left for dead

The pictures of deer in the water looking like the classic deer in the headlights while all around them is orange, black red fire. It disturbs me deeply. My face hurts fromt he pain it triggers in me. The futility and loss the poor animals. The helplessness of not being able to help and not understanding how this can happen, what a cruel and tragic event. I know many people were displaced and lost so much too. It is the animals, the wild life that freaks me out so much. How life can be painful. It is hard to believe in good and things when things like this happen.

Please Loving God help all of the people, animals, wildlife, plants trees and just everything affected by this.

 I took it inside and out it in water

 After a few hours, look how it perked up even though the petals are a bit shattered

 These tulips are delightful with the amazing black centers

I sat outside and did a few gouache sketches.

Friday the 13th tomorrow. I am cooking pears in the oven.

Little Gwendolyn who makes me deeply happy.

Beloved Prince Died, Paintings I Sold Last Night And What They Mean

Fourteen days ago Prince died. I have a huge connection with him that I will not get into right now except to say God please take very good care of Prince. Hold him in Your Loving Light, protect him and guide him.

I came here to write about some paintings of mine "what they mean". Glad they do mean something. I am a bit torn about going into it. Painting is mostly non-verbal, let folks infer what they will. I also do not wish to give my pov about these paintings and take away what someone else may see in them. The man who bought them wishes to know and I agreed to tell him. This format here is the easiest for me to navigate so I am going to do it here.

I am making a cup of tea and a big pot of chicken stock. My house smells good. The stock will cook over night to be sure to get as much flavors and healing benefits from all that is in the stock.

 A big thank you to the man who bought these paintings. It is a big thrill for me when someone shows an interest in art. People who invest in art are a very special breed, and I appreciate it. I love it. It is so great when someone shows an interest in my work and finds my paintings "good".

                                                                                                    These are the three he chose to acquire.

 This painting is 10"x14". Oil on Canvas, called, Horse, Yellow Cat, Bubble for a Fish, Bootsy’s Bass Strap and Being of Love Ready to Help

It is about the Other Realms, like where dead folks possibly go, where other kinds of Loving Beings likely exist, and where humans and animals can connect to if they wish. I think animals are simply automatically connected because animals are amazing and people not so much, because we have issues etc.


Bootsy Collins is one of my favorite musicians and people on the planet. He and his wife, Peppermint Patty do amazing work besides music. That is his bass strap running on the right. There is a horse on the left, a fish in a sort of crystal ball and a "scaredy cat" in yellow. I am a big fan of all our human emotions and have been taught to accept them all and embrace them. The yellow spirits above the earthly realm are beings who help us, are aware of us and want to connect with us. They help guide us to go for Love. To widen the embrace on what we label Love to include things like fear. The merging of the realms is represented by Bootsy's bass strap in the upper middle and by the heavy yellow paint running in the lower middle.

This next painting,
 Egyptian Hieroglyph Rebirth is Three Foxtails Tied Together, Bootsy Shoulder and Bass Strap, His Bass (Through Bass Strap) His Bass Fretboard (Through Center), His Live Show Card (from Tramp’s show ’95 W21st St NYC—You Can See His Funky Toe Boot in Right Upper Foxtail Upside Down) and Venus Oil on Canvas is ironically to do with Bootsy as well. I have many Bootsy references. I went to see him at Tramps, which used to be between 6th and 7th on 21st St in Manhattan. I ended up working there which was not nearly as fun as seeing selective shows there. Except the time I worked the Chaka Khan show, that was pretty awesome. I saw amazing bands there in the 90's. Small club, great acoustics and not too far from where I lived. I love this hieroglyph for rebirth. Three foxtails tied together. It also represents, Born of. Bootsy's music hearkens back to our ancient certain roots of Love and Music.

 

Jimi Hendrix, Bootsy Signature, Egyptian Hieroglyph Underworld, More Hieroglyphs, Jean-Michel Basquiat Crown, Golden Mean, Mesopotamian Gazelles, Fight 151, Bar Used to be on 8th Av just North of 17th St all in a Wave of Yearning Love Oil on Wood 14 x 24" 

I wrote Bootsy and his wife a letter in the 90's telling Bootsy I thought that he, Sly Stone and Jimi were the Holy Trinity. Bootsy's wife sent me back a signed photo and a letter from her and Bootsy. They told me wonderful things about myself. I cant remember exactly except it was uplifting and to do with my Spirit. The turquoise line running through the painting from top left and down around Jimi Hendrix's face is the tail end of Bootsy's signature. The background of Jimi's face is an Egyptian wall design which I have painted on doors and it looks amazing. The Golden Mean is under in a peach color with a bit of Jimi's famous jacket there. It says Rule me with one wave of your hand meaning how one can feel in love and be swept off one's feet. Under that is a bunch of hieroglyphs, these ones are body parts and what they represent. I love to study  ancient Egyptian. I wrote a wee poem halfway up in the black which says

Darling flesh and bone from thee be done in the city. Writing hieroglyphs is unlike writing in English. I love that the hieroglyph for Darling is a hoe and two mouths. My poem basically means, Let's go out on the town. Living in Manhattan going out on the town is a glorious thing. Especially when one is in love and I was very much in love. Was he in love with me? No, not so much, hence I was painting instead of actually being out on the town. I was dreaming of it in paint.

The Mesopotamian gazelles on the mountain top tell the story of how back int he day when the music was so good, it was said that people and animals would levitate. This is a rendering of that exact experience. Mesopotamia pre-dates Egyptian culture, a very long time ago. You can see the crown Jean -Michel Basquiat often put in his work, along with the word Notary, which can also be found in his work.

The definition for Ambassador is there, any representative or agent charged with a special mission. Jimi Hendrix, Bootsy and Jean-Michel are the special ambassadors in this painting as well as the Daddy. A male who is kind and good, one you can turn to, one who protects and uplifts, like God, a Father figure. Then it says Blood Memories meaning how old our souls are and how our body holds the entire history of us as far back as we go, individually and together. Then it says, Why frown even the sun goes down. A George Clinton lyric.

Maybe Do Not Do What People Want; The Good Man Surfaced Out of Lake Ontario to Help

Seems to me wherever you look, publishing, marketing, anything really the advice seems to state to know your audience and what they want. What they want. In the shower today, I was thinking, no, not good advice to truly advance human kind. This sort of push to look without to find what to do, how to do is shit advice. There is not enough of people going within themselves, exploring what they truly feel and creating from that place.

Demo "Credit card" painting for Paint A Canvas

Financial goals reap financial advice--maybe, certainly not for anyone in the third world, and there are plenty of people in this first world living like they are in the third world. I wonder where the second world is? I guess that is all us poor folks trying to get through the day, week, month and years. We rarely, if ever go on vacation we don't buy fancy bags, clothes or shoes. We don't eat out or go to movies for the most part we do not have fancy stuff. We are the underprivileged that almost no one gives a shit about. Life is still pleasant at times, thank goodness. There are riches to be had for us. Life has a way of finding a way to give us things anyway. For instance, I was given cashmere sweaters from someone who did not want them anymore because moths got at them. I patiently darned all the holes and now I have some of the most warm and soft sweaters. Riches are within. No amount of money or work can buy.

The trick is how to not stress endlessly about how to make ends meet. This is a bad way to spend time, I know that full well. It is a waste of time and really no loving human ought to endure it ever. I do not believe in it. What I mean when I say I don't believe in it is that I feel it is a world truth, not a true truth. World truths are those things we are taught believe in our society as givens, as truth. So many are not true though but because we all believe it, do not question it, we

The Good Man Surfaced Out of Lake Ontario to Help Acrylic and Oil on Canvas 12 x 16” $199.99

make it true, we hold it true and so it appears true. Like when privileged people repeat that stupid annoying line "I worked really hard" when they are sharing about their vacations, perks, pretty things. Poverty stricken people often work just as hard if not harder and rarely, if ever lay down dollar bills in the club, at the store, at the airport to go to a beach in the winter time. People are not meant to work to prove themselves or to obtain things. There are whole sheaves of folks who do not need to work and they live on the fattest cream.

Gwendolyn chilling on the table

The whole world is meant to be free. Each loving human is meant to be free. By free that is a roof over their head, food to eat and the space and time to create as they see and need to create. We all are meant to come and go as we please, have personal power, beauty and abundance, not only a part of the population.
This is how the world is meant to be and look where we are instead. More loving humans live in starvation and squalor. More humans are slaves to poverty, disease and the creeps that pass themselves off as humans who have been ruining things for us regular folks forever.

Our society drains us encouraging us to constantly look without, reflect light, you know do the things folks do to look good for someone else. Put on a happy face, be positive, be of service, all the verbiage and undercurrent agendas telling us how to behave instead of letting us know we ought to be absorbing light. We ought to be feeling, using our intuition to guide us. We ought to be processing how we really feel and think about things.

If someone thinks they are positive and by that, they mean they are not negative, what are they really doing? They feel bad, so they tell themselves they do not feel bad. They feel hatred and they tell themselves life is too short to feel hatred. They feel tired and tell themselves it is lazy. They feel self hatred and they blame someone else. They feel guilt and think it is God. Are they doing things they want to do or are they doing things they think they should do? They feel scared and they tell themselves there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Such a crock of shit. There is plenty more to fear than fear. Children being abducted to be sold as sex slaves. The shitty things we do to animals, the list is endless creepzoids who hide their money off shore so they do not pay their share of taxes, while us poverty stricken are working at jobs where the crap and ridiculous minimum wage is not enough to live on. Where people look down on us and treat us like their slaves. The people they tell us they worked hard to get where they are, oblivious to the amount of work these people they treat as below them work. Lack of understanding and compassion. These are things to fear. I am not going to get into a big discussion about fear right now but it most certainly is not the enemy. The enemy is the enemy. We thought we had to love everyone. We thought we had to accept everyone and we most certainly thought we had to let other people tell us what to feel, how to behave and how to squash down our true feelings in the favor of others and this demented society we live in.

I say, reach within yourself and create whatever you find there. Embrace all of your feelings as good and acceptable. Avoid people who think you have to scratch out negative to be positive. These are the most negative people, they are negative because they are not whole. Widen your arms to embrace all of yourself. Do not harm yourself or others but be honest about where you are at really, how you feel really.  All emotions are within Love.

Abstract demo for Paint A Canvas 

The ground was already down when 7 year old Caplan showed up ready to join in and paint. This is his tape design, he painted his color choices and he decided which way it would hang.  He did a marvelous job.

I have a mother I do not have to hide things from. I can, and do tell her pretty much anything and everything I have to say, think or feel. My mother does not agree with everything I say and do.

I do have the good fortune to share my real self with her. My mother responds with things I did not think of in a tone of voice that makes sense. My mother calms me down strongly, like these flowers.

Someone ripped the crocus flowers off and threw them down beside the rest of the plant. I brought them home, put them in water, sketched them. I thoroughly enjoyed them a few glorious days.